Please Don't Pay Me Money ... I'm Easily Spoiled

Do you have any unmarketable skills? I do. At least my wife tells me I do and I suspect she is correct. The dictionary defines unmarketable as, “Not marketable or not fit to be offered for sale.” Sounds pretty worthless doesn’t it? Well not necessarily.

When my daughter Deana was three years old, she thought it was pretty wonderful that I could push a penny into my left ear and pull it out of my right ear. Having my daughter thinking I am wonderful is no worthless matter. However, my “penny in the ear” trick had to stop when one day I discovered Deana trying to shove a penny into her ear. I even quit showing her how I could push that same penny into the back of my neck and have it come out of my mouth. It’s amazing what actions kids will pick up on by just watching their parents.

Also I can concentrate and cause “goose bumps” to appear on my arm. Then I can think again and cause them to go away. “Interesting, but unmarketable,” says my wife.

I love to write puns. My wife says they are not funny. I’ll try one out so that you can be the judge: Do you know why the chicken would not cross the road? The chicken would not cross the road because he was standing at one end of the road. The road was 2200 miles long. The chicken would have had to walk the entire length of the road and he was too “chicken” to walk that far. I think that is funny. My wife says it is not funny. She may be right because no one has knocked my door down offering me a job to write puns.

I do have one talent that is sought after about once per year. My wife invites me to her school so that I can make animal sounds for her preschool classes. She shows pictures of the animals and I make sounds corresponding to whichever animal is being featured. I can moo like a cow, baa like a sheep, neigh like a horse, bark like a dog, meow or mew like a cat or kitten, crow like a rooster, chatter like a monkey, bray like a donkey, grunt like a pig and even caw like a crow and do other bird calls with my fine unmarketable whistling skill. Then to top off my performances I walk around the classrooms like an Egyptian goose.

The kids love it and I think it’s great. But my wife has never offered me money to mimic the animal kingdom. The only way I can take off from my regular job is to tell my manager that I have been invited to speak to a school assembly. If the manager ever visits the school to hear one of my speeches, either he will send me to an animal shelter or have me quarantined for rabies. Or fire me …

And I can make other mouth noises that sound like musical instruments. I can sound like a violin, cello, clarinet, oboe, bassoon, trumpet, or trombone. I can even sing and hum at the same time making for an interesting duet. And finally, I can sound like a Harley-Davidson Motorcycle shifting through all gears. Sound impressive? I think so. But still, no money …
I’m not even going to tell about holding the record high score on Pac-Man back in the early ‘80s while living in Lovington, New Mexico. No one offered me money. No one cared.

Anyone want to hear me pop my knuckles? Just call for an appointment.


Winston Hamby –
The Beaumont Enterprise
Whamby2@houston.rr.com